On October 16, I went to Korea to spend my sembreak, to see and patch things up with him, to meet old friends, and to feel the love that this country makes me feel. I stayed there for three weeks--barely finishing all my school requirements from the previous semester. I arrived cramming my take home 178 exam (thank you Renz and Ma'am Marcia). The rest of my stay was spent relaxing, watching movies, meeting friends, going to places I've been to and I've never been to, and most importantly spending time with him.
For that three short weeks I easily got used to my daily routine. I got used to having him around and being with him in the precise environment that I wanted to be. Suddenly being with him again is also as sudden as parting ways after three weeks. Everything was just so sudden it was difficult to catch a grip.
I arrived home on the exact day that classes started. I told myself that that decision was perfect, since I wouldn't have too much time to think of and linger my thoughts on him. But I guess I don't get a full hold of my brain and my heart. On Tuesday night, I arrived home crying and automatically calling Bea for some comforting. I don't know. I just felt floating and lost. I feel like I'm somewhere I don't belong. As a psychologist (naks!), she told me that I was only adjusting, since everything was so rapid. There was even no transition at all. I felt like I am passing warp portals. No transition from end of sem to sembreak to start of sem again. No transition from Ph to Kr to Ph again. I guess I haven't learned my lesson after all.
As the days passed by, I felt better. I observed that I would feel extremely sad and anxious at the end of the day, when I am all alone and I just have my self and my acads to face. I hate that feeling. I don't want to suffer another anxiety once again. I don't know why at night, I would just suddenly feel super sad and alone, and I would just burst into tears. I guess my separation anxiety is really big. :(
Anyway, as for being bipolar.. There are moments that I am very positive and excited about the current state of things. But then in just a snap, I would feel so negative, anxious, and afraid. This state is killing me!
I am stable as of the moment. I just finished my thesis topic discussion and my paper in Korean 12-13. Tomorrow, I plan to go to kUPihan, the newly-opened coffee shop in SC. There I would read my 153 readings, and perhaps go with Mica. I badly need a conducive study place! Or maybe I would get a text from Rin, whether we would finally meet or not.
For now, I am missing him so much. Listening to Korean songs make me miss him more, yet they also serve as the remedy for this sad feeling.
It's only a few months till I graduate. I hope I'd be able to pull out my best for this final (hopefully) semester of mine in UP. After this, I hope things would be quite easier and uhmm.. feasible?
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